rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
he just fucked me for my cheese.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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