Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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