Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
