I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
