I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
