Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Randomize
