LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
