If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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