we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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