the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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