He disabled his match.com account in front of me
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
