How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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