After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You're like the curious george of whores
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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