I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
