I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
