My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
