Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
