Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
