Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
