did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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