I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.