Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.