ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
