he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
