You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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