So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
ugly people sure do ruin things
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
