Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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