he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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