i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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