Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
