vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
