I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
