I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
