So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
