The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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