Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
