Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
