The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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