Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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