Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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