Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
