Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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