You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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