I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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