I heard we made out
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
