Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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