I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
