I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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