somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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