Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
