so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
