if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
