College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
In America we eat man semen.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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