so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
