4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
