I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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