just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
