turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
