They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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