He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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