I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
