Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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