I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
