You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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