She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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